


Empty

by tfw_cas



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Castiel/Dean Winchester First Time Having Sex, Coda, Dean's Top 13 Zepp Traxx Mixtape, Frottage, M/M, Non-Penetrative Sex, Oral Sex, Post-Episode: s15e03 The Rupture, Smut, Top Castiel/Bottom Dean Winchester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-02
Updated: 2019-11-02
Packaged: 2021-01-20 17:22:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21285380
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tfw_cas/pseuds/tfw_cas
Summary: Following the events of 15x03,The Rupture, Dean is regretful, Cas is heartbroken, and Sam is furious at his brother for treating Cas so badly. However, upon hearing Dean's reason for acting as he did, Sam vows to reunite his brother with Cas, whatever it takes.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 28
Kudos: 254
Collections: The Destiel Fan Survey Favs Collection





	Empty

**Author's Note:**

> Huge thanks and love to [Eyes_of_a_Tragedy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eyes_of_a_Tragedy) for the beta'ing, encouragement and support, and to [Emblue_Sparks](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emblue_Sparks) for beta'ing some of this before I got carried away and posted it. You two always have my back, and make sure I don't get too British. 💙💚
> 
> Given the level of angst in the episode, this is much more angsty than the fics I normally write, and there is very little fluff, which is my usual fare. There is some fluff if you squint hard enough, though. Enjoy!!

_ I think it’s time for me to move on_.

Those words hung in the air, taunting Dean, as Cas walked up the stairs and away from the bunker… away from him. How he wanted to call Cas back, to tell him that he hadn’t meant the ugly words he’d spoken. But it was better this way, wasn’t it? _ Safer_.

Sam was holed up in his room trying to get his head around the heartbreak of losing Rowena so tragically, so he wasn’t going to notice anytime soon if Dean drowned himself in hard liquor. He skulked off to his room, locked the door, and swiped the bottle of whiskey he kept in his drawer. He was going to get so drunk he couldn’t feel anything anymore.

~~~

A loud banging on his bedroom door pulled Dean out of his sleep. Holding his head, he groaned and tried to focus his eyes. He was lying face down on the bed, and other than his boots, he was still fully dressed.

_ Shut the fuck up_. He thought the words, but they weren’t coming out of his mouth, and why did his skull feel like it had been stomped on?

“Dean!” Sam bellowed. “Open this door before I break it down.”

Dean stumbled to his feet and made it across the room to the door, despite the fact that it was spinning. When he eventually got it unlocked he pulled it open and was met with Sam’s furious face.

“What have you done, Dean?” Sam gave Dean his best bitchface.

“I got wasted, killed a few brain cells. Nothing I haven’t done before.” Dean couldn’t understand why Sam was so pissed at him. It’s not like he’d gone on a drunken rampage or anything. _ Had he_?

“That’s not what I meant. I meant what have you done to Cas.”

_ Oh. Ohhhh_.

Dean immediately went on the defensive. “Why, what did he say? I can’t believe he came running to you because his feelings were hurt.”

“You’re a fucking idiot, you know that?” Sam looked like he was fighting the urge to punch Dean in the face, as he clenched and unclenched his fists. “Cas didn’t come running to me. I couldn’t find him, so I called him, and he told me what you said to him. He said he’s not coming back.”

Dean went back into the room and sat down heavily on the bed with a sigh, but Sam chose not to sit next to him; instead he towered over his brother with a simmering rage, eyes shining with tears.

“He’s not just your friend; he’s mine too,” Sam continued when Dean remained silent. “And you know he wasn’t responsible for Rowena’s death. Or mom’s. Did you even listen to him when he told you what Belphegor was trying to do?”

Dean shrugged and stared down at the floor.

“Wow. You really don’t care, do you?” Sam said, incredulously. “So that’s it? You’re gonna throw away the best friend you ever had, just like that?”

Dean didn’t know what to say. Sam was right, of course, but Dean wasn’t about to admit that.

Sam stood watching Dean for a few moments longer, and his shoulders slumped as he sighed in defeat. “You know what? Fuck you, Dean. Cas is devastated over losing Jack. And mom too… She would be so disappointed in you right now, treating Cas this way.”

Those words were like a dagger to Dean’s heart, and he looked up at Sam, feeling his own eyes prickling with tears. “I know, okay? But I can’t. It’s the only way…“ Dean stopped before saying anymore, because how the hell could he say this out loud?

“The only way to what? You’re not making a whole lot of sense right now,” Sam said, squinting at him in confusion.

“To-to keep him safe,” Dean replied, knowing that this wasn’t going to be enough explanation for Sam.

“Safe? From what? I swear if you don’t start explaining yourself I’m gonna go find Cas and stay with him. He doesn’t deserve any of this.”

Dean ran his hand down his face, realising there was no way out of this. Sam would have to know the truth. “The Empty. The Empty’s gonna take him if… if he… I don’t want him to die again, Sam.”

“The Empty’s gonna take him if he what? I still don’t understand what you’re talking about.” Sam sat down on the chair opposite Dean, rested his arms on his legs and sat back, waiting to hear the full story.

“Jack told me that Cas made a deal with The Empty, to save Jack’s life. The Empty is gonna take him, but only when he’s perfectly happy.” Dean had been looking at his hands when he spoke, but now he looked straight at Sam, to see his reaction.

“Cas made a deal? Why would he do that? What the hell?” Sam’s questions were pretty much the same as Dean’s had been when he found out.

“I guess he thought Jack’s life was more important than his. Stupid idiot,” Dean said sadly, wondering when the other shoe would drop.

“Fuck,” Sam said softly. Then, “why didn’t you tell me? Did you say anything to Cas? How long have you known?”

“Jack told me a couple of days before everything went south. I was gonna tell you, but then mom… and Chuck started the apocalypse, and-“

“Wait. What’s any of this got to do with you treating Cas like shit?” Sam interrupted.

_ And there it is_.

Dean stared at his brother, willing him to understand so that Dean wouldn’t have to say the words.

“Ohh.” Understanding spread across Sam’s face, and Dean nodded silently.

“You… you thought you were protecting him.”

“Yep.”

“Because you might have made him happy.”

“Yeah.”

“Goddammit, Dean. Why didn’t you tell me? We could have figured something out… We always do.”

“It was easier this way.”

“Easier than admitting your feelings?”

“That pretty much covers it, yeah.” Dean stared down at his hands again, saying, “I'd rather have him hate me than die again. And if he dies because… because we… I couldn’t live with that, man. No way.” 

He could feel the tears rolling down his face, but the next moment he found himself on his feet and enveloped in a crushing hug.

“We’ll find something, and fix this,” Sam promised, letting go of Dean and giving his shoulder a squeeze.

“Good luck with that.” Dean couldn’t help the sarcastic tone. “There’s no point anyway; Cas is gone, and he’s not gonna forgive me for what I did.”

Sam shot Dean a sympathetic look. “I’ve gotta say, when you fuck up, you fuck up big.”

“I wanted to make sure he was as miserable as me.” Dean shrugged, then gave a half-hearted air punch in victory. “Yay, success.” The sarcasm was unavoidable.

“You’re an idiot, Dean.” Sam walked out of the room shaking his head. 

_ Yep, he’d really fucked up big_.

… … … … …

Sam closed yet another book, and groaned in frustration. Finding any lore at all on The Empty was hard enough, let alone anything on how to stop it from collecting on Cas’s deal. 

Why the fuck had Cas made this deal anyway? Thrown his life away like it was nothing? Did he really think his life was that worthless? Goddammit, he was just as bad as Dean, and Sam was going to give him shit for it, once he’d figured this out.

The thing was though, Sam knew why Cas felt that way. He and Dean weren’t exactly full of kindness and understanding when it came to the angel; he probably thought they wouldn’t care if he died again. If only Cas had seen how utterly destroyed Dean was when he thought that Cas was dead for good. 

Maybe he should have told him, or encouraged Dean to tell him. At least then Cas would understand how important he was to them, instead of having his wrong idea being confirmed by Dean’s appalling treatment of him. 

_ Fuck_. Sam wanted to bang their dysfunctional heads together - that’s what mom would have done - but he needed to find a solution first.

After he’d searched the bunker for Cas to tell him that he didn’t blame him for Rowena, he’d called him up, expecting to find that he was doing something important and would be back soon. He did not expect to hear the hateful things Dean had said to Cas, and he was immediately filled with rage.

Sam had actually packed a bag and was ready to hit the road; he was prepared to leave Dean wallowing in his self-righteousness for good. But he couldn’t leave without confronting Dean first, and letting him know how angry he was. And then, well… to say the truth was unexpected was the understatement of the century.

Sam had always known that Dean and Castiel’s connection… profound bond… went deeper than just friendship. He wasn’t stupid, or blind, but he hadn’t expected Dean to actually admit his feelings for Cas. He’d assumed they would carry on indefinitely, dancing around this unspoken thing, but apparently he was wrong. Dean must have been hoping for something to happen with Cas; why else would he be worrying about the consequences of making Cas happy.

Sam wondered how Cas was. They’d had a few brief phone conversations over the last couple of weeks, during which neither had mentioned Dean at all, and Cas hadn’t given away much about how or where he was. The last time he’d seen him he’d looked tired and distraught over Rowena’s death, and he had told Sam that his powers were weakened. He hadn’t been able to heal him, or Ketch, and, _ oh _… an idea began forming in his mind.

The Empty couldn’t take Cas if he was human, right? So, he just needed to persuade him to give up his grace, and to put his trust in Dean.

And that right there was a huge stumbling block. _ Dammit_.

Why on Earth would Cas agree to become human again? Especially after the way Sam and Dean had abandoned him when it had happened before. Of course Sam hadn’t been as responsible for that as Dean had, what with Gadreel possessing him, but still…

They really had treated Cas badly, hadn’t they? No wonder he thought they didn’t care about him.

Sam needed to find out where Cas was, and meet up with him. That would be the easy part; getting him to agree to give up his grace was going to be a lot harder.

He would leave, telling Dean that Jody needed his help with something, then work on putting his plan into action. It was times like this that he really missed Charlie and Bobby; they would know what to do. In fact, maybe he would go and stay with Jody for a few days. She might be able to help, and if not, at least Sam would get away from Dean’s moping for a while. 

Once Sam had repacked his bag, he looked for Dean, finding him in his ‘Dean cave’, staring morosely at a blank screen.

“Dude, what are you doing?” Sam asked.

“I’m playing crazy golf,” Dean answered sarcastically, with an eye roll. “What does it look like I’m doing?”

“You’re hilarious.” Sam gave him one of his best bitchfaces. “Can’t you… I dunno, wash Baby? Clean your guns?”

“All done. I also rearranged the kitchen cupboards, cleaned my boots, tidied Cas’s room.” That last was said so quietly Sam barely heard it.

Sam’s anger towards his brother had now been replaced by a deep sadness. He could only hope that his mission was successful. “I’m gonna be gone for a few days. Jody needs my help.”

Dean stared up at him and nodded blankly. “I’ll sit this one out. I don’t think I’d be any help anyway.”

“Yeah, you stay here and… take care of yourself.” Sam gave Dean a quick hug, then made an even quicker exit, before he changed his mind and begged him to come with him.

It took a little over six hours for Sam to drive to Sioux Falls - stopping along the way to stretch his legs - and he was welcomed warmly by Jody when he walked into the cabin. Sam had told her that he wanted to talk with her about something, and there was a meal and a couple of bottles of beer waiting for him.

Also waiting for him was Claire, who Sam was not expecting to see. _ Crap_, this could get awkward.

After the pleasantries were out of the way, and Sam had freshened up, the three of them sat at the table and began to eat. They indulged in some small talk at first, but then Jody put her fork down and smiled at him.

“So, you said there was something you wanted to talk about?”

Sam had been putting off having this talk, in hopes that Claire might have other plans for the evening, but it seemed she wasn’t going anywhere. _ Might as well get it out of the way_.

He began explaining the whole sorry story, making sure to not leave out any important details, including the still heartbreaking part about how Rowena had died. When he’d finished, Claire jumped up from her chair and started for the door.

“Where are you going?” Jody asked, with concern in her voice.

“I’m going to kick Dean Winchester’s ass,” she replied angrily. “I’m gonna-”

“Sit back down,” Jody said, using her most authoritative voice. “Are you sure Dean’s not your father? You’re both so alike; going off half-cocked, shooting first, asking questions later.”

Claire hesitated, but her hand was still on the door handle. “But-”

“Claire. Did you even listen to Sam’s story?” Jody shot Sam a sympathetic look.

“Yeah. Dean treated Cas like shit, and now Cas is gone.” Claire scowled, and started turning the handle.

Sam got up from the table and went over to her, gently placing his hand on her shoulder. “Claire, calm down. You know Dean’s hurting too?”

“Good.” Claire sighed dramatically. “I can’t believe he expects you to sort out his fuck up.”

“Dean doesn’t know anything about that. He knows I’m here, but not why. Please Claire, sit back down and I’ll tell you my plan.”

Claire shook Sam’s hand off her shoulder, and stomped back over to the table, slumping into her chair with her arms crossed. Sam followed her, and retook his place.

“The Empty can’t take Cas if he isn’t an angel anymore,” Sam began. “If we could persuade him to give up his grace, it would solve that issue, at least.”

“Is there anything we can do to help?” asked Jody.

“Nah, I’m sure it’ll all be smooth sailing. Why wouldn’t Cas agree to giving up his grace and putting his trust in Dean? Being human worked out so well for him last time.” Sam gave a sarcastic laugh, which prompted a derisive snort from Claire.

“Oh yeah, it sounds great,” she said, rolling her eyes.

“Sorry Jody, you were being serious and I answered with sarcasm,” Sam turned to his friend, and gave her a look of sincerity. “I thought maybe if I asked Cas to come here, perhaps you guys could help me-”

“No. Nope,” interrupted Claire. “You’re kidding, right?”

“Look, I know that you’re just thinking about wanting to hurt Dean, but even if Cas does move on from him, who’s to say he won’t find happiness with someone else someday? The Empty would still take him…” Sam took a drink from his bottle, and waited for that to sink in.

“Damn. You’re right,” Claire said eventually.

“I’m not gonna lie; I want Dean and Cas to be happy together, but whatever happens, this is the only way to protect Cas from The Empty.”

“No wonder you wanted to talk with someone about this.” Jody let out a long exhale and shook her head. “This isn’t gonna be easy.”

“Yeah, no shit,” Sam said, resting his elbows on the table and sighing.

Jody thought for a few moments, then said, "I say we call Cas in the morning, and tell him to come here right away because Claire is in trouble."

Claire huffed. "So I'm bait? Thanks for that."

"You know it's the best way to get him here, don't you? He cares about you more than… well, more than anyone else." Sam knew that what he said was true; with Jack dead and Dean out of his life, Claire was the closest thing he had to family. 

"Goddammit. Okay then," Claire agreed reluctantly, before skulking off to her room. 

Sam was exhausted, both physically and mentally, so he made his apologies soon afterwards, and took himself off to bed. It took a while before sleep came to him though; the truth was, the wound in his shoulder still wasn't healing, and he didn't know if he would survive it. Helping Dean and Cas before he succumbed to his injury would make him very happy. 

He could only hope that Cas would agree to give Dean another chance. 

… … … … …

When Castiel had walked out of the bunker after his showdown with Dean, the pain he felt was unlike anything he had ever experienced before. He could barely breathe, and his eyes were blinded by unshed tears. 

With no plan other than wanting to get as far away from Dean as possible, he got into his truck and drove… and drove. 

Castiel had no need for sleep, so he kept going for hours, only stopping for gas, and to speak to Sam when he called him on the phone. The conversation had been upsetting; Sam was completely unaware of what had transpired between Dean and himself, and he had wanted to tell Castiel that he didn’t blame him for Rowena’s death. By the time Castiel had finished explaining that he had left and wouldn’t be returning, and the reason for it, Sam was angrier than Castiel had ever known him.

Unfortunately, that phone call only highlighted to Castiel that he hadn’t just lost Jack and Dean, but Sam too. Although Sam had tried valiantly to keep in touch with him in the weeks since then, Castiel knew that it was only a matter of time before Sam forgot about him, and then he would truly be alone.

When he had eventually found himself on the outskirts of Yellowstone National Park, he’d made the decision to lose himself in it. Maybe communing with nature would help him to come to terms with what he'd lost. 

As he cut the engine in the parking lot and prepared to start hiking, Castiel spotted the mixtape Dean had given him. Picking it up, the breath caught in his throat, and the tears that had been threatening for hours finally began to fall.

_It's_ _a gift_. _You keep those_.

Castiel traced Dean's handwriting with his fingers. 'Dean's top 13 Zepp traxx'. How happy this gesture had once made him, but now he realised how empty that gesture had been. 

Castiel climbed down from the truck, threw the tape in the nearest trash can, and walked away full of regret. He wasn't going to go back and retrieve it though; it was as worthless as the shattered pieces of his heart.

Castiel wasn’t stupid; he was well aware that Dean didn’t love him the way he loved Dean, and he had made his peace with that a long time ago. But finding out that Dean didn’t care about him at all hurt more than he could put into words. 

In hindsight, maybe it had always been obvious, but Castiel had chosen not to see it. The way Dean had kicked him out of the bunker when he was human, without a second thought, still stung all these years later.

Spending time in the park had turned out to be the best idea Castiel could have had. Other than the phone calls from Sam, he had no contact with humanity, and although he was still grieving he managed to achieve a sense of calm. He wondered if he should stay here forever; maybe if he stopped answering Sam’s calls he could even forget that the Winchesters had ever existed.

A moose wandered towards Castiel, lowering its head in greeting, before it began to pull at the leaves of a nearby willow tree. In only a couple of weeks, the animals had become accustomed to his presence, and they either ignored him, or investigated him curiously.

The otters were the friendliest creatures he encountered, while the wolves were the most wary of him, choosing for the most part to maintain a watchful distance.

Castiel was just about to pat the moose on the head when his phone rang. He wasn’t sure if he was in the right frame of mind to speak to Sam today, but he took his phone out anyway, and was surprised to see Jody’s name on the caller display.

Swiping the screen to answer the call, Castiel attempted a cheerful tone when he said, “Hello, Jody.”

“Hello, Castiel. I… um, I don’t want to worry you, but I’m very concerned about Claire.” Jody sounded distressed.

_ Claire_. Castiel had barely thought about her since his self-imposed exile, and he immediately felt guilty. “What’s wrong with her? Is there anything I can do?”

“Can you come to the cabin? I'll explain everything then.”

“Yes I can, but it will take me almost a day to get there.” Castiel was already beginning to walk in the direction of his truck, but he calculated it would take him around twelve hours. It was at times like this that he really missed his wings.

“Where are you?” Jody asked.

“I… some distance away. I will see you tomorrow.” Castiel ended the call, and picked up the pace. He felt bad for not telling Jody where he was, but he had every intention of returning here once the situation with Claire was resolved. 

By the time Castiel pulled up outside Jody’s cabin, it had been a little over twenty five hours since she had called him. Walking back to the truck had taken him a few hours longer than he’d hoped, and he made the unsettling discovery that, along with his weakened grace, he was also capable of feeling fatigue. 

He had found it necessary to just sit and rest for a little while before commencing the long drive, and having the trash can where he had disposed of the mixtape so close was an unwelcome reminder of why he was here in the first place. In the end, he had driven away with a heavy heart, and trepidation about what he would discover about Claire.

Jody appeared at the door when she heard Castiel’s truck, and she hugged him tightly once he climbed down. “It’s good to see you, Castiel.”

“I’m sorry it took me so long to get here,” he said, pulling back from the hug and staring at her with concern. “What’s happened to Claire?”

“Come inside, please. We’ll explain everything.”

_ We _? Castiel wasn’t always the best at understanding human behaviour, but he began to wonder if there was something else going on. 

As soon as he was inside, his suspicion was confirmed. Claire came running over and threw her arms around him. “Hey Cas,” she said, fondly.

Then he spotted the younger Winchester, standing in the kitchen doorway.

“Claire? Sam… is-“ Castiel stopped in the middle of his question, as he frantically looked around the room. This was obviously a set-up, but if his friends had lured him here to make up with Dean under a false pretext, he would never forgive them.

“Dean’s not here,” Sam confirmed.

Castiel still wasn’t happy though; Jody had lied to him. “Why am I here?” he asked, irritably.

Sam walked over and hugged him, then said sadly, “I’ve missed you, man.”

“I’ve missed you too. But can you please tell me what’s going on?” Castiel extricated himself from Sam’s embrace, and fixed him with a stern look.

“Okay, here’s the deal,” Sam started, sitting down at the table, followed by Claire and Jody. “I found out something… something you need to know.”

Castiel sat down at the table as well, and waited for Sam to continue.

“When you told me what Dean said to you, I was angry.”

So this was about Dean. _ Dammit _, Castiel wasn’t interested in hearing anything about him. He got to his feet, saying, “I appreciate that you’re trying to help, Sam. But when it comes to your brother, there is nothing to discuss. I’m sorry.”

Before he could reach the door, Jody grabbed hold of his arm to stop him. “Please, Castiel, just hear Sam out. This is not what you think.”

“Please, Cas?” Sam implored, gesturing towards the chair Castiel had just vacated.

Castiel reluctantly sat back down, and listened to Sam once more.

“When you told me what Dean said to you, I was gonna leave too. I was already packed when I went to tear him a new one, but… then I found out why he behaved so badly towards you.”

Castiel was determined that whatever revelation Sam was about to drop on him would not change his mind. However, he was not prepared for what Sam said next.

“He knows about your deal with The Empty - what’s up with that, by the way - and it seems he figured it would be better if you hated him, rather than run the risk of you being taken by The Empty.”

Castiel was dumbfounded; why hadn’t Dean told him that he knew about the deal, instead of making him believe he didn’t care? This changed nothing, except that Castiel was now more angry than upset. “What am I supposed to do with this information, Sam? Dean could have been honest with me, but he chose to lie, and hurt me in the process.”

“I can understand why you feel that way, but just consider this; Dean knows that The Empty will take you when you’re perfectly happy, and he was terrified that he would be the reason for this happening. So…” Sam tailed off and looked at him expectantly.

_ Ohhh_. Castiel experienced a moment of clarity when he suddenly understood what Sam was saying. “You’re telling me that Dean wanted… was thinking about… _ us_?”

“Yes, exactly.” Sam nodded and smiled at him.

“Why didn’t he say something?” Castiel whispered, tears forming in his eyes.

“Because he’s an ass,” Claire abruptly butted in.

“Not helping, Claire,” Sam rebuked her, before turning his attention back to Castiel. “Because it involves feelings? You know how he likes to avoid them.”

Castiel didn’t know what to do. He drew in a shuddering breath, put his elbows on the table, and held his face in his hands. What was Sam expecting him to do with this information? It wasn’t like anything could be done about the deal, was it?

“Cas, I think I’ve found a solution.” Sam broke through his thoughts, and he lowered his hands and looked up at his friend.

“The Empty only takes angels and demons, so… if you gave up your grace and became human, it couldn’t take you, no matter how happy you were.”

_ Become human again. Because that had been such a great experience last time_.

“I know what you’re thinking,” Sam said. “We abandoned you when you needed us most, so why would you even consider putting yourself through that again? You have every right to feel that way, but will you think about it at least?”

Castiel looked around at his friends, and nodded. “I’ll think about it, for you, but I can assure you that I am about as far from happy as I can get. And I really don’t see that changing anytime soon.”

“Don’t do it for us, do it for you,” Jody urged. “And take it from someone who knows; happiness can creep up on you when you least expect it.”

“I’m gonna level with you, I’m rooting for you and Dean,” said Sam, “but even if that doesn’t work out, you might meet someone else one day.”

Castiel knew that this was not just unlikely, but impossible. He had been alive for millennia, and no one had ever come close to meaning as much to him as Dean Winchester. And if he became human he would have a limited lifespan, which would mean even less time to find this non- existent ‘someone else’.

“And what does Dean think of your solution?” Castiel asked.

“He, er… doesn’t know,” Sam replied sheepishly.

Castiel laughed sarcastically. “I’m sure he will be as delighted about it as I am.”

“I was waiting until I’d spoken to you. I didn’t want to get his hopes up.”

“So, you’re asking me to give up my grace, for good, for the possibility that Dean might be interested in pursuing something with me?”

“Essentially, yes.”

“Well… what could possibly go wrong?” Castiel was aware of how sarcastic he was being, but it was hard to rein it in, considering the circumstances.

“Are you saying yes?” Sam looked at him hopefully.

“I need to think carefully about this. I hope you understand.”

Claire has been very quiet until now, but she suddenly walked over to him and put her arms around his neck. “I hope you say yes. I don’t wanna lose you.”

Castiel felt a surge of affection for the young woman who was like a daughter to him. “Is it okay with you if I stay here with you all until I’ve come to a decision?”

“Of course.” Jody placed her hand on his shoulder, and squeezed gently. “You’re welcome to stay here as long as you need.”

Over the next few hours Castiel spent time talking with his friends… his family, and he came to realise that maybe he wasn’t alone as he had thought. Claire told him stories of some of the hunts she’d been on, although Castiel suspected that she was deliberately avoiding talking about any in which she had been in danger. 

Sam made a point of telling him how Rowena had insisted that she needed to make the ultimate sacrifice to save the world. It wasn’t easy to hear, but it was obvious that Sam wanted Castiel to be absolutely certain that he didn’t blame him. Castiel then told Sam just what Belphegor had been planning, and how he’d had no choice but to stop him. It was a painful conversation, but Castiel felt it cleared the air; if only he and Dean could communicate with the same honesty.

After the sky had darkened, Castiel got into his truck and drove until he found an empty field. Lying down on the hard ground, he gazed up at the stars, watching as new galaxies formed and old ones died. It was a wondrous sight to behold; one that he would no longer be able to see once he was human.

Castiel stayed like this long into the night, contemplating his future, and his past. If he had known how profoundly the mission to save Dean Winchester from hell would affect his life, would he still have agreed to it? That question was impossible to answer, but there was no denying that when he first saw the incredibly bright soul of the Righteous Man, he was lost. Hester had been right about that.

As the first rays of the sun appeared on the horizon, Castiel picked himself up and walked back to the truck. He’d come to a decision, and for better or worse, he was going to stick to it.

When he arrived at the cabin once again, he could sense that everyone was still sleeping, so he sat outside and waited until he heard movement inside. Opening the door, he saw Jody making coffee.

“Good morning, Castiel,” she said cheerfully, handing him a steaming mug. 

“Thank you,” he said, before taking a sip. “I’ve made a decision.”

Sam came into the room then, running his hand through his hair. “What’s your answer?” he asked, also accepting a mug of coffee from Jody.

“Yes, I’ll do it.” Castiel sat at the table, with Sam and Jody joining him. “I don’t want to tell Dean until after it’s done, though. This is my decision, and I don’t need him trying to stop me.”

It wasn’t necessary for Castiel to say anything further on that point; they all knew that he was right about Dean trying to stop him.

When Claire eventually appeared, they filled her in on what Castiel had decided. By then they had all been fortified with coffee, and were ready to extract his grace. Sam had a vial ready to contain the grace, and Castiel opened his shirt, and slid his angel blade down his sleeve, into his hand.

Taking a deep breath in, he cut into the skin over his heart; it felt right releasing the grace from there, considering the reason he was letting go of it. He felt some pain from the wound, but he felt Claire take hold of his other hand to provide him comfort. She had grown into a wonderful young woman, and he knew that he would always be able to trust her.

He watched as the silvery-blue tendrils of his grace poured through the cut and swirled up, then down into the vial. As the last wisps were expelled from his body, he felt a weariness seep into his bones, along with a once-familiar human need for food and warmth.

“How do you feel?” Sam looked at him with concern.

“Human,” he replied. “I think I will need to rest before I travel back to the bunker.”

“Don’t worry about that, I’ll drive us,” Sam offered.

“This is a lot to ask, but would you allow me to go on ahead of you? Dean and I have much to discuss… could you give us a day?”

“Tell you what, I’ll give you two.” Sam grinned and winked at him, and he heard Claire and Jody let out huffs of laughter.

It took a moment for Castiel to catch on to what Sam was hinting at, and he felt his cheeks heating up at the thought of being intimate with Dean. Given the current state of their friendship, this was not bound to happen… only time would tell.

Claire had an arrangement to meet a friend, so she insisted that Castiel sleep in her room, and made him promise that he wouldn’t leave until she returned. He appreciated the gesture, and found it surprisingly easy to fall asleep; not waking until early in the afternoon.

Sam, Claire and Jody were sat around the table waiting for him, with some food and more coffee. He had to use the bathroom first - needing to urinate was still irritating - then he joined everyone in the living room 

“Are you feeling okay? No regrets?” Sam asked.

“Yes, I’m fine. But I’m anxious to see Dean.”

“We figured you would be, but you must eat first. You’ve got a long drive ahead of you,” Jody insisted, gesturing towards the food on the table.

Castiel knew she was right, and he helped himself to some chicken and potatoes, followed by a slice of pie.

When he’d finished eating, Castiel hugged each of them in turn, thanking them and telling Sam he would see him in two days. Sam placed the vial of grace in his hand, and after turning it around in his palm, he handed it to Claire.

“Would you keep this safe for me, in case I ever need it again?”

Claire squeezed him tightly, and said, “I’ll guard it with my life, dad.”

Castiel couldn’t help the tears that sprung into his eyes at these words, and he knew that Claire was fighting back the tears too. “Thank you, Claire. My daughter.”

Before he could change his mind and stay with Claire instead, Castiel went outside to the truck, and set off for the bunker. He had no idea what kind of reception he would get from Dean, but he had to try to fix their broken friendship, if nothing else.

… … … … …

Sam had been gone for three and a half days and Cas… he’d been gone for two weeks and five days (not that he was counting). Dean had holed himself up in the bunker, hardly eating, and not drinking much either; at least not alcohol, anyway. After two monster hangovers, he vowed off the hard stuff for the time being, and stuck to coffee.

The entire bunker was spotless, the books in the library had been rearranged, and Dean had watched every action movie on Netflix… and a couple of chick flicks. The rage that had consumed him after Chuck's revelation was gone now, leaving him feeling drained and melancholic. How the fuck had he allowed things to get so bad?

It was nearing midnight when he heard the bunker door open and close, and a feeling of relief washed over him; he hadn't been at all sure that his brother would return after the way he'd behaved towards Cas.

"Heya, Sam," he called out, as the footsteps descended the stairs. 

"Hello, Dean." Cas stopped at the bottom of the stairs and stared at him in that way he had. 

"Cas? Wh-what…" He knew that his biggest mistake had been his treatment of Cas, and he really hadn't expected to see him again. At least not without an explanation and an apology, anyway.

"I told you I was moving on, and I did. But there was something I forgot to do." 

There was something different about Cas, but Dean couldn't quite put his finger on it. "Oh yeah, what's that? Have you come to get your stuff?"

Dean could hear the scorn in his own voice, and he hated himself for it, even though it was for Cas's own good. 

Cas stepped closer, and glared at him. "No."

"So, you gonna tell me?" Dean challenged.

Cas moved closer still, into his personal space, backing Dean up until he hit the wall behind him. He was reminded of an incident years ago, when Cas had shoved him up against the wall of an alleyway. 

_ You should show me some respect_.

Cas's face had been mere inches away from his own, and his body pressed hard into his. The sheer power Cas radiated had Dean both intimidated and turned on, and it would be a lie if Dean said he wasn't experiencing an almost identical reaction again. 

Their chests were pressed together, and Cas was staring into his soul, unblinking and unfathomable. His breaths were coming out hard and shallow… was it anger, or something else?

"Dean Winchester, you are infuriating," he growled, before placing his hands on either side of Dean's face, and planting his lips on Dean's. 

The moment Dean felt Cas's warm mouth on his, he experienced a sensation that he could only describe as melting. He could feel their bodies touching… grinding… wrapping around each other as Cas kissed him hard and unyielding.

It was glorious, and everything Dean had ever wanted. He grabbed handfuls of Cas's hair, and Cas groaned into his mouth.

Fuck, this felt good. Dean had made out with guys before, but he hadn't cared about them the way he cared about Castiel… the way he lo-

_Wait, _this was wrong. Dean broke off the kiss, banging the back of his head on the wall as he did so. 

"Cas, stop. We can't… you can't…"

"You're concerned about my deal with The Empty?" Cas was so close Dean could feel his hot breath on his lips as he spoke.

Dean nodded. "Yeah. I can't lose you again. I can't…"

"And yet you were willing to drive me away anyway. You could have lost me forever… I wouldn't have returned at all if S-"

_ Sam. Of course_. "At least you wouldn't have been dead. It was better that way."

"Better for whom? Were you happy? I know I wasn't." Cas backed off a little then, and Dean could see how disheveled and wrecked he looked. 

"No, but that was the point, wasn't it? Being happy would have killed you, wouldn't it?"

Cas sighed and nodded. "You made me believe that you hated me," he said in a whisper. 

"I did what I thought was best."

"Was that your decision to make, or mine?"

Cas took hold of Dean's hand and led him through the hallway, towards Dean's room.

Dean stopped him outside the door, and gazed into his eyes. "I know I didn't handle this situation well, but nothing's changed, has it? The Empty's still gonna-"

Cas put his finger to Dean's lips to silence him. "Hasn't it? Are you certain of that?"

"What… what have you done?" A suspicion was growing inside of Dean, and he hoped to Chuck he was wrong. 

Cas opened the door and pulled Dean inside, closing the door behind them as he pushed Dean against it. "I did what was necessary, so that I was free to do this."

Cas's mouth was on him again, and he pulled at Dean's clothes, undoing the buttons in a hurry, and ripping at least one of them off. Dean wanted to ask what exactly Cas had done, but he could do nothing but moan wantonly as Cas began to kiss along his jaw and down his neck. He continued to pull at Dean’s shirt until it was off and discarded on the floor, briefly ceasing his attentions to Dean’s neck, in order to grasp at his t-shirt and lift it over his head.

Cas's hands and mouth were suddenly everywhere, as he explored Dean's bare skin. His collarbone, nipples, navel, were all kissed and caressed thoroughly, before Cas moved further down until he reached his waistband. 

Stopping for a moment, he looked up at Dean, silently asking permission to continue on his downward travels. Dean's breath hitched, as he gazed down in wonderment at the angel, who was now lowering himself to his knees. 

Dean wondered if this might actually be a dream, when Cas opened his zipper and pulled his jeans and boxers down over the swell of his ass, then took almost his entire length into his mouth.

"Jesus… fuck," Dean cried out as Cas began to suck with as much determination as everything else he’d done since he walked back into the bunker. 

Was he trying to prove something to Dean? Punish him? If this was punishment, Dean would take it every day. He tangled his fingers in that dark mop of hair, pulling at the strands as Cas started to bob his head; taking Dean in deeper, then stopping at the tip. He swirled his tongue around the head, making Dean gasp, then swallowed him down again. 

He repeated this action again and again, reaching his hand around Dean’s ass and running his finger around the rim, and Dean babbled incoherently as Cas pushed him ever closer to his climax.

“C-Cas, I’m gonna…” The words caught in his throat as Cas pulled off and wrapped his hand around his cock. He stared up at him, eyes darkened with desire? Fury? Thunder?

Dean didn’t know exactly what it was… maybe it was all three, but this… this was his punishment, and he knew what he needed to do.

“I’m so sorry, Cas. I should never h-”

Dean’s words caught in his throat once more, as Cas stood up and kissed him feverishly. He ran his hands along Dean’s arms, then lifted them above his head and held them there, saying, “Do you want me to fuck you?”

_ Hell, yeah_.

“Yes, please.” Dean smiled and ran his tongue over his bottom lip slowly and deliberately. He was well aware of what that action did to people, and he watched as Cas’s eyes widened and his breath caught.

Cas leaned forward and brushed his lips over Dean’s, nipping gently at the bottom one as he pulled away. Then, releasing Dean’s arms, he took a few steps back and began shedding his own clothes. Dean watched in awe as that sexy body he had secretly lusted over for more years than he could count was revealed, inch by luscious inch. Trench coat, blazer, tie, shirt, shoes, socks, pants were all added on top of Dean’s shirt and t-shirt, until he was wearing nothing but his boxers.

When he slid those down and off too and stood in all his naked glory, all Dean could do was stare. Cas was gorgeous; his skin was tan and his arms were muscly, and his cock standing proud and erect was begging to be touched. Dean was really getting off on Cas calling the shots, however, so he didn’t touch… he waited to see what Cas’s next move would be.

Stepping back into Dean’s personal space, Cas kneeled down to relieve Dean of his boots and socks, then he pulled the jeans and boxers the rest of the way off. When he stood back up he stopped for a moment to admire Dean’s naked form, trailing his fingers over the bare skin as if he was feeling it for the very first time.

Dean trembled under Cas’s touch, and Cas hummed appreciatively. “Beautiful,” he murmured.

Dean trembled again at the praise. “You’re not so bad yourself,” he said shakily. 

Feeling emboldened enough to touch Cas in return, he stroked Cas’s chest with his palm. Cas’s muscles tensed under his touch, and when Dean rubbed his thumb over his nipple, Cas made a noise that was somewhere between a gasp and a moan.

“Oh, Dean,” Cas purred, before surging forward to close the distance between them and kissing him hungrily.

Cas’s tongue explored his mouth, as he lifted Dean and wrapped his legs around his waist, then carried him over to the bed as if he barely weighed anything. He laid Dean on the bed and crawled on top of him, then alternated between kissing him while rubbing as much of his bare skin against Dean’s as he could, and using his tongue to explore Dean’s chest and nipples.

Cas seemed to be on a mission to turn Dean into a quivering mess, and all Dean could really do was hold on and enjoy the ride. When he placed his hands on Cas’s ass cheeks and pressed their cocks together the tempo suddenly changed. Cas ground into him hard, and they both let out a groan.

When Cas did it again, Dean held onto Cas’s ass and began a rolling, grinding rhythm that had them panting into each other’s mouths. Dean could feel that they were going to come like this; he was close and he was certain that Cas was too, but he couldn’t slow down. He didn’t want to, not until they had both found release.

Cas was moving erratically on top of him now as he chased his orgasm, and Dean felt the moment that Cas let go, croaking out Dean’s name as his release coated them both in sticky wetness. That was all Dean needed to push him over the edge too, and with one last grind he reached his moment of ecstasy, mixing his fluid with Cas’s.

They continued moving like this for a few more seconds, riding out their orgasms until they were both spent. Cas collapsed on top of Dean, breathing heavily, and Dean hooked his feet around the backs of Cas’s thighs and stroked his back.

Cas lifted his head and pressed a tender kiss to Dean’s lips, smiling tiredly. “Hello Dean,” he said, before shifting the lower half of his body and making a face.

“Yeah, it’s getting kinda gross now, isn’t it?” Dean agreed. “Can you use your grace to clean us up?”

Cas shook his head with a grimace, and Dean knew for sure that his earlier suspicions had been correct.

“You gave it up, didn’t you?” Dean asked, smoothing over Cas’s shoulder blades.

Cas nodded. “The Empty only takes angels and demons, so it seemed like the perfect solution. I apologise for not telling you beforehand, but I knew you would try to stop me if I did, so I wasn’t going to give you the opportunity. And now I am free to be as happy as I want.”

“And are you? Happy?”

“Yes.” Cas smiled, and despite him not being an angel anymore, he looked radiant.

“Me too,” Dean lifted his head and rubbed their noses together. “I’m so sorry for the way I treated you, Cas. I was an asshole.”

“I can’t disagree with that, but I understand why you did it,” Cas said, before adding, “You’re very lucky you have a brother who cares so much about you.”

“I should have known Sammy wouldn’t leave it alone. But I’m pretty sure he helped us out because you're like a brother to him too. He was so pissed at me when he found out what I said to you…” Dean tailed off, filled with shame at the memory.

“Claire was also pissed at you. Apparently Sam had to stop her from driving here to kick your ass,” Cas laughed.

Dean shuddered. “Thank fuck for that; Claire’s scary when she’s mad.”

“Very scary,” Cas agreed, grinning and rolling his eyes.

“Hey, where is Sam, anyway?” Dean had been so wrapped up in Cas - literally - that he hadn’t noticed his brother’s absence.

“I asked him if he could give me a day’s head start to talk things out with you. He said he would give me two.”

“Oh yeah, did he now?”

Cas nodded, and began rolling his hips against Dean’s once more.

“How tired are you, Cas? What do you say I clean us up, and we go for round two?” Dean winked seductively, and Cas chuckled.

“I wonder how many rounds we can get in before Sam returns.”

“Only one way to find out.”

Dean had every intention of helping Cas find out the answer to that question, and now that Cas was human again, he was going to take care of him as he should have done last time.

  
He had a lot to make amends for, but _ damn_, was he going to enjoy doing it.


End file.
